New Beginnings

2012 is coming to an end and my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be.  This time last year, I thought I'd be buying a bigger house, maybe pregnant, getting ready to start a family.  Instead, my house has been put on the market, I'm boarding with my parents and my marriage is over.  I know there are a lot of people that probably think we gave up too soon; people that think we just threw in the towel.  But, it is undeniably easier to stay married.  No "taking the easy road" here.
I've never believed in much.  I don't believe in God, I don't believe in destiny or fate, or soul mates or miracles.  I have, however, always believed in love.  I have always believed that if you loved someone enough, anything was possible.  I suppose there's such a thing as loving someone too much, though.  You can love someone so much that nothing else matters, including your own happiness.  Maybe you're just not seeing the negative side of things, because you're so deeply in love.  Maybe you don't care that things could be a little better here or a lot better there, because love is all that matters.  I suppose we could say that's the trap we fell into.  We believed in love so much that we ignored everything else.  We never took the time to look inward and do some searching.  We never bothered to ask ourselves or each other if we were really, truly happy.
I know I spent a lot of time defending my relationship.  I spent a lot of time telling people that we were "different," that our relationship "just isn't like that."  I've heard a lot recently from people who claim that they never believed we were happy together.  And that's hard to hear, because for a time, I believed we were.  Maybe I was in denial, maybe I didn't think we deserved better, maybe I just didn't know of another way for things to be, so accepted things as they were.  Everyone wants to blame someone.  Everyone wants to know whose fault it was.  The answer is that it's both of our faults and its neither of our faults.  From day one, we had zero in common.  And initially, that worked in our favor.  It forced us both to try new things, to come out of our comfort zones a little bit and meet new people.  But, eventually, it caught up to us.
There were certainly days of denial early on.  There were several false starts, more than a few "let's try one more time"s and an unbelievable amount of tears.  It's hard; really hard; to give up on something you believed in so completely.  To spend ten years of your life building something, creating something, believing in something and then having it just disappear.  There are no words.  And maybe we fell into the trap that a lot of high school sweethearts fall into; "well, we've been together this long, let's just get married."  I wanted that so badly.  I begged for it, I cried over it, I fought about it.  And I finally got it after nine years.  And then, after a year and a half it's over...it's humiliating and it's heartbreaking and it's unbelievably devastating.  I guess there's a point in every failed relationship where both parties know it's over.  I know when that moment was for me, but I won't go into details here, as I'm sure he knows when that moment was for him.
I have days when I think we should have never gotten married.  I have days when I wonder how things would have played out if we'd made different choices before and after we got married.  There were so many moments in the last ten years that could have been game changers, and without fail, we always chose the road that would lead us to each other.  So why, now, are we choosing a different one?   We're too young to be in a marriage that isn't fulfilling.  We're too young to be with people that don't bring out the very best in us.  There was a process of grieving for all of my hopes and my dreams; and all of the children I haven't even had yet.  There are moments when I wonder how he'll make out and what will become of both of us.  I want him to be happy so badly that it breaks my heart to even consider the possibility that he might not be someday.  I have to believe that we'll both be happier.  I have to believe that he'll someday be with someone who plays video games with him for hours on end and rides every terrifying roller coaster at the amusement park.  I have to believe that I'll someday be with someone who can geek out over books with me and spend their weekends watching bad TV with me.  I have to believe that, because if I don't, I won't survive.  There are still some days when I have to remind myself that this is right and why it's right.  There are days when I picture us both years from now with our new spouses and the children we both always wanted and those are the images that get me through.  I still have days of unbelievable disappointment that I couldn't be the person I know he needed and days when I feel like we let everyone down.  We invited 130 people to our wedding...and every single person on the guest list attended.  So many people believed in us, were pulling for us, were cheering for us...and we let them down.  And logically, I know that it shouldn't be about anyone but the two of us, but emotionally I can't always get there.
I still believe in love and I still believe in fairy tales, but I know now that it's not the only thing that matters and it's certainly not the only thing needed to hold a relationship together.  Love was never the issue.  It was never the question.  It was never anything that was doubted from either party.  But, when the excitement dies down and things happen to make you really think about your relationship and analyze it and pick it apart, you realize things about yourselves and each other that you never knew.  You admit things that you never admitted, you finally stop pushing nagging thoughts aside and you start trusting your gut.  And when that starts to happen, it doesn't always end the way you want it to or the way you think it will.  Knowing it's right doesn't make it any easier.  And as sad as we both are and as terrifying as this new "adventure" is going to be, there are no regrets.  We followed our hearts.  We made the choices we wanted to, did the things we wanted to do and loved each other with a fire so bright that it blinded us to everything else.  I will never not care, I will never not worry, I will never not wonder and I will never stop hoping that he's happy.  I want so desperately for him to have everything he wants.  And I know that as long as we both learn from this experience and take as much as we can from it, we will eventually grow to be the people we are meant to be and find the people that complete us.
For the first time in my life, New Years is actually a new beginning.  So, here's to something different, hopefully something exciting and to finding our way on a path that isn't always clear.