It's been a while since I've written anything, because it's been a while since my thoughts have been clear enough to form a coherent thought. To those who know me, they know the last six months have been the most difficult of my life. Two weeks after moving back in with my parents after my divorce, my stepdad passed away due to complications from bladder cancer. It's been an interesting ride, to say the least, as my mother and I both try to figure out where our lives are now. Thank goodness we've had each other.
I've been dating someone new for a couple months now and he's pretty wonderful. We started off as best friends and I'm not the kind of person that believes in soul mates, but if they exist, this feels like it might be it. That being said, it took me a while to get to that train of thought. It felt right at first; the complete opposite of what I was used to, which was probably what I needed to get myself to understand that what I had wasn't right. But, inevitably, I did begin to pull away. My divorce was painful and confusing and really, really sad. I am someone who is always in control, always has a plan, always knows what my next step is going to be; and now I didn't know. I knew I'd be back with my parents, but I didn't know how long, I had no idea how long it would take my house to sell (it still hasn't...) and I'd never been single before. My husband and I were together for ten years, since high school. Where the hell do I even start to begin putting this all back together? I tried desperately for months to maintain the control I always had. I wanted to hold onto the things I still could; the same beliefs I'd had, the same opinions, the same principles and values and lifestyle. I was so afraid of losing myself on top of everything else that I stressed myself out even more than I needed to.
Initially, I felt freer. I felt less angry, I felt less stressed out, I felt more energized. Several people commented that I seemed happier. And even though there were still a lot of days at first when I wasn't sure I'd made the right choice, that always reassured me that I had. How could I, in the midst of everything I was going through, actually seem happier? I was miserable. I must have been more miserable than I realized for so long. What a difficult thing to come to terms with. But, I did. The new guy and I fought a lot, because I just didn't know what the heck was going on. Surely, these things he's doing can't be normal. I never had to worry about that before. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!? But, goodness, what a trouper he is. His unending patience and understanding and encouragement was exactly what I needed at a time when I knew damn well I shouldn't already be in a relationship. But, first and foremost, he was my best friend. Secondly, he was my boyfriend. And as long as those lines were clear and he knew when to be what, things would be okay.
I started seeing a therapist in April, after the most monumentally exhausting weekend of my life. There was one emotional kick to the stomach after another and things were spiraling quickly. The control was slipping and I still wanted to hold onto it. But, how the hell do I do that when everything is so beyond my control? That was the one thing I needed to learn for myself; to let go of some of this control. There are going to be things I can't control. And I have to learn to accept that, or I'm going to make myself crazy. Gradually, things went from panic, to frustration, and finally to acceptance. But, I didn't get to the acceptance stage until this weekend. Or, I didn't fully embrace it until this weekend, anyway.
Last weekend, I went out with a friend and got drunk. I know, for someone my age, that's certainly nothing to write home about. But for me, it is. I've never been a drinker. I've never been drunk enough that I noticed I was actually drunk. This time, I was. And after I got over the initial, "holy shit, I'm drunker than I want to be," I felt really good. I had confided in the friend that I felt like I was spiraling out of control. I don't get drunk. It's not my style. It's not what I do. And there were other things and other conversations and other thoughts that had been going on that I told him about. His response was, "maybe you just need to let yourself spiral a little bit." This came just weeks after another friend told me that in order to gain control, you had to lose control. But, I'd fought so damn hard to maintain that control. I didn't want to let go of it now. But, the votes were in and they were unanimous. I needed to let go a little bit. I needed to loosen up, let my guard down a little bit and see where things took me. My friends weren't going to let me get out of control. They weren't going to let me get off track. They'd be there for me when I needed to come back. Maybe I wouldn't need to.
Once I embraced that, things didn't feel as crazed. I didn't feel as panicked. It had felt good to be someone else for a night. And it started making sense why people might actually enjoy drinking, though I don't see myself being someone that does it regularly. From there, I started embracing other things. I started allowing myself to observe how other people do things and considering the idea that my way isn't necessarily the right way or the best way. How awful a person I must have been. There are moments now when I can't even stand myself.
This last weekend, while I didn't do anything crazy, I embraced a way of thinking that I normally wouldn't have. Instead of feeling annoyed about being around people that thought differently than me, or dressed differently, or made different choices, I found myself feeling more accepted than I ever had before. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel like an outcast, I wasn't hating every minute of socializing. I was finally feeling like I fit in. I have no idea if it's because I changed the way I was looking at the world, or if it's because I was just hanging out with better people. But, it was liberating. And once I was there, I didn't want to stop.
I still feel myself having moments of panic. What if this isn't the path I want to be on? So what? I'll figure it out. But, I woke up today feeling better than I have in a really long time. I've been angry this week. Really, really angry. And it's a deep anger that I've never allowed myself to feel before. I went with it, because, as my therapist has told me, I need to allow myself to feel. I've been working on that, so I decided to see where this took me. And as I've been going over things and analyzing the last several years of my life, I felt angrier and angrier at more and more people. And I know that sounds strange to a lot of people, but it felt good to feel that anger. Because, in terms of my divorce, I haven't felt much other than sadness. I was convinced I'd always be sad about it. We hadn't had a nasty, angry divorce and we told each other we wouldn't. Now, I'm not going to suddenly turn into the psycho ex-wife, but I ran with that feeling of anger and finally went through some boxes and things that I'd been putting off. I separated some Christmas decorations and divided them into two boxes; one for him and one for me. I got rid of everything that came from someone I didn't want any connections to anymore for one reason or another. And when I was done with that, I went through all the boxes that I've had piled at my mother's house for the last five months. It was obvious that when I packed them the only thought in my mind was "pack this shit up and get out," because they were a mess. And I started a box where I threw everything that reminded me of him. I took pictures out of frames, piled up photo albums and gifts and stuffed animals and anything that came from anyone he was related to or associated with and I threw it in a box. I made the biggest mess I've ever made in my life and I stopped myself for a second to notice how this literal mess related to the mess of my life. I had to make a mess of things in order to sort out the bullshit. And when I was done sorting everything out, I felt better, I felt freer, I felt clearer. I got rid of all of the things that didn't make me feel good. I weeded out all of the negativity and packed it away. It's gone now. It's part of my past. It's something I don't want to touch anymore, but will always be there, reminding me that I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy and that I owe it to myself to keep searching for peace. I have no doubt that I've still got a long way to go, but I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have in my life. I'm finally surrounded by people that see the best in me and want to help me see it too. I finally found the perfect balance between acceptance and control, and I'm sure that there will still be days when I want to run back to that comfort zone, but I like where things are going and I'm excited to find out who I end up being at the end of all of this.
Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me through this journey. <3
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