A Lesson in Feminism

I'm so tired of men thinking they know what women want!  And I'm tired of the bad reputation feminists get.  The truth is, people don't actually understand feminism...a lot of self-proclamined feminists don't even know what they think they stand for.  I took a feminist poetry class in college and I remember that suddenly Ryan couldn't do anything right!  He made me promise never to take a feminism class again.  Unfortunately, when it came to my last semester, I needed to fill a credit with a "pointless" class and the easiest one I could find was another feminism class.  This one was very different though and I loved it!!  It was a three-hour lecture, but I went excitedly every single day and I couldn't wait to talk all about it with Ryan afterward!  Even he eventually admitted that it wasn't what he had expected.  It's a common misconception that feminits believe in women's rights...false.  They believe in equal rights.  Let me explain:

If you tell a man you're a feminist they think you expect them to hold the door open for you, pull out your chair, pay for every meal or date you go on, etc.  WRONG!!  It's exactly the opposite.  And to be honest, I hadn't realized I was a feminist until I took that class.  I don't expect Ryan to do any of that.  In fact, on our honeymoon I told him that when I saw a man pull out a chair for his girlfriend/wife, I sometimes thought "that would be nice," but then I instantly changed to "I'm glad Ryan doesn't do that.  It seems controlling and a little bit awkward."  I legitimately feel like he would just be in my way.  I can pull out my own chair and I can certainly open my own door.  Now, before you get all huffy and ranting and raving about how "chivalrous" it is, let me tell you where this "chivalry" started.  It came about in the days when women had no rights.  Men opened doors and pulled out chairs for women, because it was believed that women were physically incapable of doing it themselves.  It was not chivalry at all.  It was controlling and demeaning.  And frankly...it still is.  Think about it.  How fair is it to expect your man to do all these things for you that you're not willing to do for him?  Would you ever open the door for him or pull out his chair?  Would you ever pay for your meal or your date?  I told Ryan on our very first date that I hated being paid for.  That changed and loosened over time, because it made him feel better when I let him pay.  But, over the years, he didn't always have enough money to take me out, and since it was something I still wanted to do, I gladly paid for both.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with that and frankly, a man should be happy to have an independent woman who doesn't need him. 

Someone said to me once that men don't marry women anymore because we don't expect anything from them anymore.  I wholeheartedly disagree with that.  We expect less from men, which, I feel, takes the pressure off of them.  I know Ryan waited so long, because there were things we wanted to do before we got married.  We wanted to be established in our careers, we wanted to own a house, pay off some bills, etc.  We wanted to be financially stable as individuals before we could build a life together.  Women are more independent now, thankfully!!!  They don't need men anymore.  Maybe that makes men feel intimidated.  I don't really know, but if that's the case it's silly.  A relationship should be 100% equal (I won't get started on stay-at-home moms because I know many, who are GREAT people, but I will say this...especially in our economy, I find it selfish and I think it puts way too much pressure on the working parent...God forbid something happen to them or their job...then what?).  When women expect something from their man that they're not willing to do for him, it irks me on a level I cannot even begin to describe.  I have many times gotten out of the car and ran around to open Ryan's door...usually when he has his hands full or he's carrying something for me.  I have held the door open for him numerous times and I've already mentioned that I often pay for meals or other outings (which doesn't matter anymore, since we now share an account).  That's how it should be.  It's not about women's rights, it's about it being equal.

I was talking with someone else about a friend of theirs who is going through a divorce after only a year and a half.  This person believed that the reason was because nothing changed after they got married...umm...wrong!!  I'm sure there are numerous reasons, but not changing after marriage is ridiculous.  She married who she married knowing who he was.  If she expected him to change, then the mistake was hers.  People asked me all the time what I expected to change when we got married...back in the days when I so desperately begged for it to happen.  The answer was nothing.  I didn't expect anything to change.  I didn't want anything to change!  Why should it?  If Ryan suddenly started opening doors for me and pulling out my chair I'd probably ask him what the hell he was doing and what he wanted.  (I almost clumped planning romantic dinners in there too, but that would be awesome...never going to happen, though and I'm okay with that!!).  I'm not sure why people expect things to change so drastically after marriage...unless, of course, they don't already live together.  I 100% believe couples should live together before they get married.  Ryan and I were together seven years before we moved in together and there were still things I didn't know about him.  You never truly know someone until you've lived with them.  And I read a statistic somewhere that said couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.  This is probably true...however it doesn't mean what it implies.  It implies that people get divorced because they lived together first.  Again...wrong.  It's pretty simple and it all basically comes back to religion.  Generally, people that wait until after marriage to live together are either religious or pretty conservative (or both).  This means, they are 100% against divorce, under any circumstances.  People that live together first are the opposite.  Now, I'm not saying that divorce is always the answer and it certainly is not something I'd like to imagine for me & Ryan, BUT it just means the rules aren't as strict for them.  If Ryan cheated on me or did something unforgivable, I would absolutely divorce him.  If our marriage just wasn't happy anymore and I found myself upset more often than I was happy, I would divorce him (if counseling didn't work, of course).  I would rather die than be unhappy.  I refuse to stay in an unhappy marriage.  In my opinion, the more conservative people would suck it up and pretend to be happy, because it's against their religion to divorce, just as it's against their religion to live together before marriage.  I hope I explained that well enough.

Ryan and I are always honest and always equal.  There are no divided chores (although I do most of the cooking, simply because I'm home from work first)...he does the dishes, I take out the trash, but we'll switch if it's more convenient.  While other couples would flip out at the mention of another man or woman, we joke about it and have fun with it.  It's not uncommon for Ryan to tell me how attractive another girl is and what it is about her that makes her so attractive...and he often suggests I try it.  It's also not uncommon for me to tell him that I "want to rip (another guy's) pants off."  It's honest and it's real and it means absolutely nothing.  On the very rare occasion, it does bother me and I've felt that pang of jealousy once or twice, but it really doesn't happen often and it throws us both off when it does.  We both know that at the end of the day, we come home to each other.  No matter how hot that other guy or girl is, it doesn't matter, because we chose each other and we chose each other for a reason.  I know he loves me unconditionally and in the best way that he can and he knows the same is true for me with him.  I laugh at our relationship often, because I always feel that from an outsiders' perspective it seems dysfuntional.  But, I truly believe it's extremely healthy.  There's no secrets, there's no hurt feelings...there are occasionaly misunderstandings when one of us is in a silly mood and the other one is not, but they're smoothed over quickly and we're right back to laughing.  If your wife asks if she looks fat in an outfit, tell her the truth!  She'll probably be mad at you for a minute (or a few hours...or days), but I know I'd rather know if I looked awful than go out looking awful!  I can't comprehend why that's a big deal.  Don't ask the question if you don't want the truth!! 

I'm sure there's always going to be those differences that will never quite be accepted for the opposite sex and there are definitely obvious physical differences, but if we stop taking everything so seriously, it will stop being so serious!  There will always be racists and there will always be misogynists, and in both cases some of the sterotypes are definitely true, but if we stop putting so much emphasis on them, we can eliminate the meaning behind them.  Maybe men & women will never make the same salaries and we'll never be able to use the same bathrooms (I'm okay with that one), but if we can at least start treating each other as we expect to be treated, we're headed in the right direction.