Someone posted an article on Facebook yesterday that spoke
against something I’ve always believed in passionately. I won’t say what it was
about, but I’m sure most of you will figure it out before you finish reading this.
It’s something that’s never been a part of my world. Something my parents never
talked to me about, never acknowledged – they let the schools do the talking.
It’s something I have always been
fiercely against and never gave it a second thought. My friends knew about it,
significant others knew about it. I was never even curious to learn more. And
it’s something that has been gaining a lot of momentum in the last few years,
forcing me to acknowledge my resistance and leaving me with an uncomfortable
feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last year or so. Because, at this
point, the truth is that I have to
get used to it. I can no longer keep myself in the dark. I can no longer
pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore that I’m surrounded by it. People have
stopped hiding it from me. They’ve stopped walking on eggshells about it and
have decided that they don’t care anymore. And it hasn’t been easy for me to
adjust to. It’s caused problems with a few of my relationships and while I
still don’t believe my feelings were completely unjustified, I know that my
reactions were…uninformed.
I never thought of myself as someone who didn’t adapt well
to change. Things are always changing. Nothing ever stays exactly the same as
it was. That’s just nature. But, I don’t know that I can really say that as a
fact anymore. Maybe there’s just been so much
change for me lately that some things are just too much. I’ve had to deal with things changing beyond
my control – things that weren’t “supposed” to change, things that I took for
granted and assumed would always be there. Those are the things I guess I can
adjust to better – because I’m used to that. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in
my life. I’ve been to countless funerals in a seemingly short amount of time.
That’s always the ultimate change. I’ve seen friends come and go – some return,
most don’t. I’ve dealt with moves and divorce and my father’s various
girlfriends over the years. But this topic, this one thing that I still can’t
bring myself to say out loud for whatever reason is just something I never
thought I’d have to deal with. It wasn’t an issue with my previous
relationship. His views were the same as mine. We had an understanding. It’s
different this time around. And I have days where the idea of accepting it as
the norm is so overwhelming that I want to bail and run as far away as I can
get. But, that won’t get me far, because it’s everywhere. I’m in the VAST
minority it would seem and I’m having a lot of trouble coming to terms with
that. I was raised pretty conservatively – not politically conservative, but
traditionally conservative. Certain things just weren’t talked about or
acknowledged or accepted. Or maybe they were, but I had such a fear of
confrontation that I never bothered talking about it with my parents. I’ve
learned a lot about my mom and her views on certain things over the last year
or so and while I’m not entirely shocked to learn some things, I do feel like I
spent much of my life afraid of nothing (my dad is a different story). I’ve
felt ashamed of so many different things (not just this single issue) and I
really didn’t need to. Was that my mom’s fault, society’s fault, or my own? Who
knows? But, it’s difficult at my age to suddenly realize that everything I know
might be wrong – that everything I was taught, or thought I was being taught is just not true.
My life has always been filled with order and structure and…well,
rules. I never viewed it that way. For me, I was setting goals and “staying on
course.” For me, it was pretty simple. Do what you’re supposed to do. But now,
that logic just pisses me off. Because, where is the logic? Who decides what you’re “supposed to” do? Who decides
what’s normal and what’s not? For me, what I was supposed to do and what I
wanted to do were always the same thing. I was supposed to get married. I was supposed
to buy a house instead of renting an apartment. I was supposed to go to college. And while college opened my eyes to a
lot of things and exposed me to different mentalities (with my teachers and
some of my friends), the others didn’t do much for me. I wanted to be married
so badly and at this moment, I cannot for the life of me remember why. I wanted
to buy a house so badly and it ended up being a disaster. I’m now living by
myself in my own apartment and happier than I’ve ever been. I have a boyfriend
who treats me well and accepts me exactly as I am, and yet I have no desire to
take it any further at the moment. Why is it so different now? I’m happy with
those changes. I’m happy with the fact that my life is simpler now. I’m happier
not running around trying to please everyone and neglecting myself. But, why is
this one thing still so important to
me? Why is this the change I can’t
seem to make? I’ve seen the evidence, I’ve read the studies, I’ve been paying
attention so much more than anyone thinks I have – I even experimented myself.
But, I can’t get there.
I suppose at this point, I’ve gotten used to just walking
around in a state of confusion. The road used to be so clear to me. Everything
was laid out and planned. Nothing was spontaneous or unexpected and I got used
to that. And I guess a part of me still longs for that predictability. I didn’t
feel confused before. I felt stressed out. I felt angry. And I felt
unbelievably overwhelmed – but not confused. But, I suppose it’s because I
never allowed myself to feel that way. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t have
time to think. I didn’t allow myself time to question things. I never bothered
to look inward (or outward) and see what was really going on – what was really important. My mentality was “this
is the choice that’s going to get me where I want to go, so I’m sticking with
it.” And that’s just…so stupid. There
are answers outside that comfort zone. Answers you didn’t even know you were
looking for. That pit in your stomach tells you you’re growing and you’re
learning. If you’re not confused, you’re not doing it right. If you’re not
scared, you’re not challenging yourself. And if you’re not at least a little
bit angry you’re not paying enough attention. I had the anger part down pat
before, but it was directed at the wrong things. I was so distracted by my
anger at the people around me that I wasn’t capable of being angry at society.
Because for me, the society I was living in, this bubble that I kept myself in,
was just fine. I didn’t want it to change. It worked for me, because it was comfortable.
And as much as I hate how confused I am and how terrified I am (still) on a
daily basis, I know that that’s important and that’s good and that’s growth. I
suppose someday I’ll get there. Someday this world won’t be so scary to me.
Someday, my definition of “normal” will change and with that, so will I. And
that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on myself – that doesn’t mean I’ve let go of my
principles and my values and that I’ve lost the person I used to be. It just
means I’ve evolved and without evolution, where would any of us be?
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