Stay Home and Shut Up

I'm going to start this one by admitting that it makes me nervous.  It's something I feel strongly about and probably makes me angrier than it should (as most things do), but I already know that it's going to piss people off.  I know people are going to disagree and I already know what the arguments are going to be.  So, I will apologize first for anyone I offend and please don't take this as a judgment of your character if it applies to you.  If you are reading this we are probably friends and you probably already know about my inability to keep my mouth shut, so I hope you'll either agree with it or disagree and let it go (which is something I'm incapable of doing). 

It makes me insane when stay-at-home moms talk about their "job" as if it's the hardest one ever.  Yes, raising children is hard, (so I've heard), yes it's the hardest job ever and yes, I'm sure it's also the most rewarding.  It's also 24 hours a day, and seven days a week with no holidays or sick days, or pay checks, etc.  If it's something you can afford to do and something you choose to do, then good for you.  However; I am so tired of stay-at-home moms acting like it's harder than having a full-time job and raising a family.  Now, I don't have children, so I already know someone will have something to say about that.  But, really...hear me out.  Let's use my mother as an example, because, well, it's the best one I know.  My mother has worked a full-time job since I was born.  I have no doubt, she would have loved to stay home with her children every day, but it wasn't in the cards for her and she needed to work.  She got us out of the bed in the morning, dropped us off at the baby-sitter's or school, worked an eight hour day, then picked us up, cooked us dinner, packed our lunches and cleaned the house.  Every. Single. Day.  She got weekends and holidays off from her job, but not from being a mother.  She had one full-time job and the permanent, forever job of being a mother.  She put a roof over our heads and food on our table and still managed to help us with our homework if we needed it and take us on vacations and trips as a family.  All of this while holding down a full-time job.  Parenting is not a "job."  It's something you do because you want to.  So, if you stay at home with your children and someone asks you if you "work," the answer is no.  You do not have a job.  You are a parent.  Why is that hard to say or comprehend?  It's not asked in a condescending way and (usually) you are not being judged, it's a question.  Frankly, to say that your job, which requires all the same things as any other mother is more difficult feels like a slap in the face to my own mother.  I'm insulted on her behalf at the insinuation that her job wasn't as hard as yours. 

Now, as I mentioned, I don't have children, so I don't truly know what is entailed in raising one.  I know it's not easy and I know it's exhausting and I know it's rewarding.  My day will come and I look forward to it more than anything else in my life.  I will, however, continue to work, because I want to.  It won't make me a bad mother and it won't make those that stay at home a better mother than me.  I don't want to be defined by my job or by my opinions or by my children...I want be defined by ALL of it.  If you want to be a mother, be a mother, but please, please, please don't act like your job is better or harder than anyone elses.  And please stop complaining about how difficult things are financially.  You made the choice, now live with it.  Deal with it.  Make it work.  I cannot imagine coming home from work after eight hours and having to raise children.  The mere thought of it exhausts me, but I have no doubt it's worth it.  I CAN however, imagine having children and being able to take a break while they nap or getting a little extra housework done while they nap.  Or packing lunches while they nap.  Instead of having to do that after I come home from a long day of work while my children are still awake and need me.  The time management alone is enough to make me crazy.  And I'm sure every mother in the world wishes she could spend every waking moment with her children, playing with them, teaching them, watching them grow.  The sad reality is that most people can't afford it and some that can simply don't want to.  It doesn't mean they don't want to be around their children.  It means they don't want to lose themselves.  Mothers are still people.  They still have things they enjoy and things they want to do.  For some of them, it's a career.  For some, it's school.  And for others it's being the best wife and mother she can be.  All of these choices are fine, but make the choice and shut up about it.  I don't care how hard you work every day.  It's great that you think you're a fantastic mother and I'm sure that you are.  I'm sure your children and your husband appreciate everything that you do, but stop talking about it as if it's more important and more rewarding and harder than what others do. 

Again, I'm not saying that being a mother isn't hard, I'm just tired of some stay-at-home moms talking about it as if staying home with their children is the only way to do it.  I'm tired of them patting themselves on the back as if it's harder than maintaining a full-time job and a family.  I give credit to every single mother on the planet who raises her children the way she thinks is best and in the best way she can.  Every parent makes mistakes and every parent has a different way of raising their children.  None of them are wrong, so long as they stick to their convictions.  If your children end up happy and healthy and well-adjusted then good for you.  But, please stop bragging about doing it while you're at home with your children and millions of other mothers are not.  Maybe I'm wrong, though.  Maybe in five years, when I have children of my own (hopefully), I will be singing a whole different tune.  Maybe I'll be writing a blog about how insane mothers are who decide to work full-time.  Until that day, I'm sticking with this.  Raise your kids the way you want to, stick to what you believe in and if you want to stay home, then stay home and shut up.

Comfort From the Past

As some of you may know, I've been in the process of reading books that have been previously banned or challenged over the years.  Yesterday, I started "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl."  This is a book that I've started several times in my life and have never finished.  This time, I can't put it down.  I've read more than half of the book in less than 24 hours.  It's actually rather unfortunate that I never finished it before, because I find myself learning a lot and feeling a deep connection with this young girl from sixty years ago.  Aside from the fact that she is an amazing writer, especially considering the fact that she wrote solely for her own eyes, I feel like I was this girl.  Everything I read reminds me of the girl I used to be (and often still am).  Now, obviously, I can't relate to the true loneliness and frustration she feels and the oppression of her people while her family hides from the Germans and fears for their lives. But, all of that aside, I can relate to the loneliness she feels even though she's surrounded by so many other people.  I can understand how frustrated she is that no one understands her and the constantly feeling ridiculed and made fun of by her own family, because she is honest and real and emotional.  I've always been that girl.  I've always been the one that will tell you the truth and lay all my cards on the table.  I've always been the girl that cries when I'm in trouble or angry or sad or frustrated-especially frustrated.  You watch this girl grow up before your eyes and learn things about herself that she probably would not have realized was she not in captivity for so long. 

The last time I remember trying to read this book was way back in fifth grade, when I was ten years old.  I'm sure there was an attempt or two after that, but I remember this time in particular because I remember writing a book report on it and being proud that I got a good grade without having finished the book.  I find myself wishing that this girl had been my friend in middle school and high school.  It's remarkable how much we had in common and how desperately we both needed each other at the time.  This young girl with an opinion and thirst for knowledge, who has so much to say and no real audience to share it with.  This intelligent young woman who is so painfully misunderstood by the people she is closest to.  I find myself wanting to reach out and hug her and tell her that it will be okay in the end.  And at the same time, I sense that she realized that.  What an incredibly optimistic girl in a painfully miserable situation. 

I've always been a bit sentimental and definitely far too emotional for my own good, but it appears I'm softening even more as I get older (ugh!!!).  Simple things make me cry anymore; from seeing a father with his child at the mall to seeing a woman find the wedding dress of her dreams or an elderly person doing their own yard work.  Things in my everyday life make me well up and appreciate more of what I have and work harder for what I want.  And I definitely find myself having a deeper connection to the books I read.  I used to read for pleasure and because it was something that helped me remove myself from my own reality and implant myself into someone else's fantasy.  But, lately, I've been reading more for knowledge and having a much deeper reaction to the characters in the book.  It's almost like I'm learning about myself by reading someone else's words.  I'm not sure if this comes with age or if it's just where I am in my life now, where I'm more willing to accept my own faults and admit to myself what I need to work on.  I do know for certain that I almost feel less alone when I'm reading these books.  I finished a book just the other night about a girl who feels like an outcast in her own family (not one of my banned books) and couldn't believe the connection I felt to that girl as well.  It makes me feel a little silly to have such a connection to a fictitious character, but it comforts me as well to know that I'm not alone.  And the young Anne Frank brought that home to me even more.  I may not be that crazy, lonely, terrified thirteen-year-old girl anymore, but I am most definitely still the same person...just a little bit more mature.  It pains me to see that this girl didn't live long enough to realize her full potential, because I have no doubt she would have made a difference in the world.  Although, even in death, she made a difference.  Her journals touched so many lives and helped so many people and I only hope that someday I have a daughter as strong-willed and opinionated as she was.

Old-Fashioned Communication

Last night, I gave up Facebook...just for a day; mostly because I was doubted.  There's a bigger, sort of deeper reason why, though and I didn't really realize it until after the fact (I have an hour and a half left before my full day is up).  I thought maybe I'd get more done or spend more time with my husband and just feel better about myself all around.  None of these things happened.  I managed to finish a book I was reading, my husband played video games all night (a typical Wednesday night, because it's the only night he can stay up late to play) and I've been sitting here all day feeling a little bit lonely and out of touch.  It has, however, forced me to think about things.  I posted something yesterday that had a little bit too much information (not "dirty" TMI, but intimate details, I suppose) and a friend called me out on it.  She told me I posted too many intimate details on Facebook and then I got mad when people used them against me.  All true.  So, after being annoyed that I got called out and having doubt put into my head about what I post, I decided to just try to give it up altogether.  I clearly can't be trusted to just post less and it's too hard for me not to get into something while I'm on there.  I've threatened a few times now to stop using it and quite a few people have begged me not to, because supposedly my updates make them laugh.  While I'm thrilled that I make so many people laugh and I love that people are paying that much attention, it's also starting to freak me out.  I've been thinking about how much simpler things used to be.  The days when the world was less connected.  I can remember when three-way calling was such a big deal and it was exciting to be able to talk to two of your friends at once, when you were all in different places!!  I remember going to the mall with friends and having to call collect from a pay phone and instead of saying my name at the beep, trying to squeeze in my message "momit'smecomepickmeup."  Now, everywhere you go, you're connected to everyone you know.  You can log onto Facebook on your phone...which now goes wherever you do and it's completely unheard of not to have one or to have left it at home.  You can now "check in" to any place you want to, thus letting the world know exactly where you are and when you're there.  You don't even have to personally know someone to know where they live; what they look like; how many kids they have and how old they are; where they work; what time they get HOME from work; who their best friends are; what their significant others' name is and how long they've been together; what they had for dinner, etc.  You get the point.  We can post music videos or newspaper articles or links to favorite pages.  It started out as a good thing (and in some ways still is), but it's opened all of us to so much more ridicule and hatred than we should ever be exposed to.  It's not so simple anymore to just walk away from a bully, because now they're on the internet.  They might be one of your own friends who just enjoys antagonizing everyone and arguing for the sake of arguing.  Or they might be a friend of a friend, thus making it almost impossible to comment on anything your friend says, for fear of being attacked by this antagonist.  We're too over-exposed anymore and it's making everyone angry. 
(Sort of a side note) Does anyone else remember the days when talking about who we voted for was a taboo subject?  It used to be a secret which party you belonged to or who you planned on voting for in the next election.  Now, voting is the next biggest fad.  It's another way for those that DO vote to make those that DON'T vote think they're better than them.  "You should vote or you have no right to complain."  I disagree with this.  I will admit that I am not even registered to vote.  I dont follow politics and I don't undertand politics, so I leave it up to those that DO know, to make the decisions.  I find this to be a perfectly reasonable excuse and I'm tired of being criticized for it.  Frankly, if you DO vote, you have no reason to complain.  You're the one that voted for this person!!  You picked him and all of the philosophies he had.  Any of the decisions that this person makes, good or bad, fall back on the voters.  If you voted for him, you have no right to complain about what he does.  I did not vote for him.  Therefore, I can complain about those who did.  At this point, it's a matter of the lesser of two evils.  They all lie to get the votes and then they do what they want when in office.  If we left the voting up to those who knew what they were really doing and didn't make it such a big deal for EVERYONE to vote, maybe we'd start having some politicians who know what they're doing as well.  Trendy voters vote for trendy candidates.  Here's an example of why I don't vote.  Two candidates were running.  One of them wanted to start tolling a major highway that I drive to work every single day-no thanks.  The other one wanted to make abortion illegal-also no thanks.  I was told that I needed to pick which one of those issues was more important and vote for that.  How about no?  I don't agree with EITHER of those, so why would I vote for either of them?  It makes no sense to me!


Facebook has made it easier and easier for people who think their way of life and their opinions and their standards are the only ones to shove it in everybody else's faces.  And while it is entirely true that I don't care what other people think of me, I'm starting to be uncomfortable with the amount of information people know.  I'm an open book and I'll tell you whatever it is you want to know, but it's really pretty unneccesary for me to share it with 300 of my "friends."  I have family members, co-workers, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, people I hate, people I don't even KNOW and even one of my husbands co-workers on my friends list.  There is nothing in the world I can say that won't get back to someone who shouldn't hear it.  While I generally try to shy away from the latest fads, I somehow managed to get so completely caught up in Facebook that my life revolves around it.  The last 23 hours have been more difficult than I expected.  I'm suddenly so un-connected from everyone.  I have no idea what's going on with my favorite shows, or where all my friends are or what the latest annoyance is today.  Sadly enough, Facebook is where I get my NEWS!!  So now, while I'm definitely going to go back to using it because I hate the feeling of being disconnected, I will absolutely cut back on the amount of things I post and how involved it is in my life.  There is no reason to tell people what I'm having for lunch or how cold it is at my desk.  With my new free time I will make my house a little bit more presentable, watch some movies or go out to dinner with my husband or polish off the pile of 50+ books waiting to be read.  And maybe I'll get a little more educated the old-fashioned way.