Now that I've decided to take a break from school for a semester, I can get back to some other things that I had put on hold...like writing this blog. And reading. So much reading!
Looking back over the last few posts, I can see the changes I've made. I can see that it's possible for me to be happy and fulfilled. But, that hasn't been my reality in a little while now. I'm back and forth, up and down. And the deeper I dive into certain issues, the more I uncover about some other issues. Sometimes, it really is easier not knowing the answers. I wish I didn't know where my anxiety comes from. I wish I didn't know where my depression comes from. Because, most of that is stuff that I can't get rid of. Most of it stems from people I will never be able to avoid...and don't really want to. So, I have to learn to live with it. I have to learn to deal with it and accept it and grow. And some days, I'm strong enough to do that. But, lately I haven't been.
I used to joke that I didn't have any friends. At the time, I had three good ones that I could count on. One of them turned into my boyfriend, I've drifted quite significantly from another one. So, I'm down to one legitimate friend that I can count on. One person that I can tell things to, and bounce things off of. One person to tell me to calm the hell down because I'm overreacting. But, now I have to figure out why that is. Why do I only have one friend left? I've been told "you hate everyone" more times than I can count. And sadly, that used to be true. I did. I hated so many people. I was angry at so many people. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to hang out with anyone, because they pissed me off. I used to say I didn't like people because I was a good judge of character and I just knew. At this stage of my life I can say that a lot of that was judgment. I probably knew it then, but I was happier in my bubble. The less people I let in, the less people I allow to hurt me. I can assume that's what I was doing. I'd been let down by so many "friends" that it was just easier not to have any. It was easier to be alone and hang out with my mom on weekends. We didn't always agree, but at least I knew she'd always be there...in the best way she knew how.
It worked for me before, because even though I didn't have many of my "own" friends, I still had an insanely full social calendar. There was never an end in sight to the amount of weddings and baby/bridal showers and random parties I was invited to and had to attend. I was required at family dinners twice a week (two different families). It was a lot. And I made it a point to do it all. I expected a pay-off. I expected it to matter. And it didn't. In the end, it never got returned. In the end, they weren't my friends. They were his friends. My ex's friends. And when that fell apart, they were gone, as expected. But, I still had my mom...
Now that I'm living alone and my mom and I are dating (separately...that sounded inappropriate), it's not as simple as that anymore. She spends her weekends with her man and I spend mine with mine. But, what happens when he's not around? Where do I go when he has other plans? What do I do when he can't be there for me? Answer: I freak out. I haven't been easy to live with in the last couple months. I went back to school hoping I'd make some new friends that I had things in common with. And in the beginning, that's what started happening. My mind was opened up to all these new people and it was wonderful. I was having intelligent, fulfilling conversations with people I liked. For the first time. And the rest of my life slowly crumbled (as we all know). I couldn't maintain it. I couldn't be available to hang out with these people. I couldn't accept their invitations. Or, maybe I wasn't getting invited anywhere, I don't know. What I do know is that after two years, I still really haven't made any new friends. I'm still alone most of the time. And I don't have my mom to fall back on. So, what happened? What did I do? What am I doing wrong?
I look through my Facebook friends and see a long list of people I would love to hang out with. A ton of people I would love to get back in touch with. People who said "If you need anything, let me know" when I went through my divorce. It takes a lot for me to pick up the phone and ask someone to hang out. I assume I'm a nuisance. If they wanted to hang out, they'd call, right? No. Wrong. I've been told by many people that I'm "unapproachable" and "standoffish." I'm sure that's true. I don't leave myself open to much. I'm not the kind of person that's "down for whatever." I hate parties. I hate drinking. I hate smoking. I hate video games and sports. Large social interactions wear me out and make me tired. So, what are my options? I miss the easy days of middle school and high school where we could just pop in some lame movie and talk through the whole thing while eating popcorn and bad food. Does anyone do that anymore? And if they don't, why not? When did we all get too cool for that?
I know I have to put in the work. I know I have to put forth some effort. I know I have to make myself more available. And cutting out some of my responsibilities (like school) will make that a little bit more possible. But, hey, if you're reading this, and you want to hang out, send me a message. In the meantime, I have some people to get back in touch with and some social groups to join in order to find "my people." I have to put the anxiety and the fear aside and just dive in. It's the story of my life.
