One day, I'm going to look back on this past year and say, "I can't believe I survived that." And then I'll look back even farther and say, "I can't believe I used to be that person." It's somehow possible for it to be the best year and the worst year of your life at the same time. Although I've been through a number of things I never thought I'd have to deal with - all at the same time, no less - it's been mostly liberating. I've stripped away everything that brought me comfort and predictability. I allowed the structure and the foundation I worked so hard to build, to crumble - slowly at first, and then all at once. I suppose everyone has that time in their life when they have their own sort of awakening. Maybe it's an event that forces a new way of thinking, or a person that challenges you. Maybe you just finally get tired of trying to be the person you think you're supposed to be. Or, if you're like me, maybe it's all three.
I never had a "rebellious" phase. I always did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of trouble. I was always the friend saying, "I don't think that's a good idea, guys." But, while it certainly can't be called rebellious at my age, I'm done with that. I don't want to do what I'm told is right anymore. I want to do what I feel is right. And, unfortunately, that's different than what I've been taught. But, I have to suck up that fear of disappointing the ones I love and live the life I want. A similar thing happened when I stopped believing in God. I was raised on that belief system and it was strange to suddenly doubt it. It took me years to come to terms with it and finally admit my atheism. But, it works better for me and I had to admit that what was right for others wasn't necessarily right for me.
It's a difficult transition to realize your priorities. It's hard to accept it when you begin to question how you've been living your life. When you've spent your whole life trying to be a certain person, maintain a certain image, reach a certain goal - and you suddenly start wondering why. You have that moment (or many) of realization that you don't want to be the person you were before. When you've shed your old skin, your former life - and lost so many people along the way - and you're essentially left with just yourself, and you're forced to take a step back, analyze what wasn't working and realize you need to change your entire way of thinking - that is fear.
I walked away from a life I worked hard on. A life I put everything - and I mean everything - into. I walked away from a way of being that had been a part of my world for more than a third of my life. I left behind an overwhelming number of people I cared about - people I considered family. I knew I wouldn't make it through the transition with those relationships intact, no matter how badly I wanted to. I knew it would mean I was starting over - in life, in love, in friendship. That was my first step towards liberation, towards independence, towards freedom.
I had devoted so much of myself to this former life that I didn't have much left for myself when it all went up in smoke. I had less than a handful of friends who had their own lives, their own responsibilities and their own set of troubles. But it only takes one. All you need is one person to see you, to believe in you, and to want the best for you. All it takes is one person to see who you really are in order to get you to see it yourself. It takes that one person to accept you exactly as you are while encouraging you to figure out who you want to be.
I tried for so long to hold on. I had already lost so much - I didn't want to lose myself too. But, I was looking at it the wrong way. I wasn't losing myself, I was finding myself. And in order to do that, I had to let it go. All of it. The fear, the anger, the anxiety, even some of the happiness. I had this amazing guy and I had to force myself to walk away. I had to force myself to be alone. To truly start from scratch and figure out who I wanted to be. For once, I had to allow myself to be the girl who didn't have it all under control. I used to look in the mirror and tell myself that I could do it all. Whatever was expected of me, whatever was needed, I would be there. If I had three invitations in the same day, I'd figure out a way to be there for all three of those people. Until I finally just couldn't do it anymore. I was being neglected - not only by the people who were supposed to care about me, but by myself as well. And once I started making myself a priority, things started to fall into place. Once I started surrounding myself with good people, nice people, new people, I felt the weight of the world lifted. I have time for me now. I have time to read and watch my show and figure things out. Because I'm living for myself now. And I finally have the right support system. There are still days when I am paralyzed by fear and confusion - because change is scary. Adopting a new way of thinking, of living, of existing is probably the most terrifying adventure. But it's hard to ignore the improvements. It makes it easier to stay on this path when I hear at least once a day, "you look different," "you're in a good mood," "you look so much cuter without all that anger," etc. I know who I want to be now, where I want to be and what is really, truly important. And while I'm aware that I still have a long way to go to be that person, I finally know the way to get there and have the right people by my side to guide me.
Life is about growth and progress and evolving. And for a while, I shied away from all of that, because it meant change. But, I finally realized I was below the curve and had no one to blame but myself. So, here's to new friends, new love and second chances. Here's to change. Here's to starting over. Here's to life.
