I've always been a sentimental person and I've always been too emotional for my own good. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to deal with some things better (like sadness and love), but I've also gotten worse with others (like anger). As far back as I can remember, I've been a saver. I save everything! I remember a "memory box" I used to have (which was actually just an old tin box my mom used to have with old college flags on it...no idea where it came from), and the "boyfriend box" I still have. I also, as a teenager, used to print out online conversations and email exchanges I had with different boys in my life and I saved them all in a binder that I still have labeled "boys." Every few years I come across the binder and the box and I decide it's time to move on and let go of the past. Not surprisingly, I get caught up in reading the letters that are in there and remember where that rose came from or who gave me that ring. But, since I've been with Ryan since high school, a lot of the things in there are from him. And just today, on this random, unseasonal snowy day in October, I was shuffling through the old boyfriend box. 90% of the stuff in there is from Ryan, naturally. It's mostly Valentine's Day and birthday cards from the early days, but there's some letters in there that we wrote to each other. I'll admit that they weren't the typical love letters. Our relationship got off to a rough start and the letters mostly revolved around that. In recent weeks, I've managed to dig up email conversations between friends and family; I still have an online conversation with someone from almost 10 years ago from the exact moment I decided I wanted to be with Ryan and some of the letters I found today talked about how I couldn't imagine my life without him in it (from five months into the relationship). I've realized that because of my almost obsessive need to keep things, I essentially have my entire relationship with Ryan documented. From the moment I realized I liked him (awesome diary entry, by the way), to the day he asked me out, to my suspicions that he was going to propose (and frustrations that he hadn't yet), all the way down to our wedding day. And that is the reason I can't get rid of these things. It's not because I can't let go or because I'm holding onto the past or harboring some feelings for an old crush (though they've all played an important part). It's because all of this has made me who I am. Every one of these conversations, every picture, every person along the way has, in some way or another, played a part in getting us to where we are today. Every boy I ever dated, or wanted to date in high school, eventually led me to Ryan (one of them even nudging the relationship along). A lot of the emails and conversations are intertwined, because, let's face it, who only focuses on one guy at a time in high school? I have poems that I wrote about him before we started dating and others I wrote after. And I've always felt the need to label and date everything. So, there's a good chance that I could combine everything together in date order and create this amazing tribute to our relationship.
I regret that I don't write as much as I used to (though I've been making a conscious effort to try) and I definitely don't save as much as I used to. I don't take as many pictures or see as many movies or go out on as many dates. But, I am so thankful that I have all of these great memories saved. I read the letters and the emails and realize that, while everything is different, not much has changed. I saw a lot of fights and disagreemens play out in these memory boxes and binders, but I also saw them get resolved. I saw a lot of passion come from a girl who felt so much and who so desperately wanted to mean something to someone. I was always a believer in love. It's apparent from all of my poetry and all of my love letters (some that were never sent) that the only thing I ever wanted in life was to love and be loved. The only thing I ever wanted was to have someone by my side to go through life with, to support me through all the good times and all the bad times and to lend me a shoulder when I just had to let it out. I am so glad that that girl found what she was looking for, and she found it early. I mention in one of the letters that I knew right away that things with Ryan were different. I knew I wanted them to be different and that he meant more to me than anyone else ever did. I remember feeling like that with a lot of guys, but I also remember knowing when it was actually love and not some crazy high school infatuation. And I'm glad it was different, and I'm glad we both realized it and fought so hard for each other. I never doubted that every tear was worth it and every fight would make us stronger and that good things do, in fact, come to those who wait. I'm glad I've always found the importance in the little things and always realized that someday all of these seemingly childish emails would mean something. I have so much of my life preserved and I'm glad, because I don't ever want to forget the girl that I was. I might have been miserable for most of my teen years (and parts of my 20s), and some of the stuff from that time is hard for me to read. But, I think it's important for us all to remember where we came from and the journey we took to get us to where we are today.
